Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
