Who wears a wallet chain?!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
