So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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