You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
