I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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