how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
