I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
