apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I want a musical about memes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
