Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
