omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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