Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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