It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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