Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
