did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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