dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
