that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
