Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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