I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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