Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
