I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
