So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
