when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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