My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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