corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
