Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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