I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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