when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
