There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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