doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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