ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
