The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
