I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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