Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
