Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
