i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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