So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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