I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
