I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
