my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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