i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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