dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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