ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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