I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
