I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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