he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize