i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize