PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
