I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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