Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
