I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
