...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
