exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
