yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
