there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
