Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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