Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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