He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
