i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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