Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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