New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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