I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
