OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
