Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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