Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
