This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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