Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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